What a Dick

Every day I hear people blaming others for their problems. It's always the cop's fault, or my girlfriend's fault, or my mom dropped me on my head, and that's what really screwed me up. I've often wondered why people do this, but now I believe I have the answer. It's fun!

It's so fun, in fact, I've decided to stop accepting responsibility for anything. That's right. From now on, all my problems are Dick Cheney's fault. Why Dick Cheney? Because he's such a loathsome lunatic, he deserves all the negativity we can throw his way. Let's see how this works.

Dick Cheney caused global warming, which explains why my dear Aunt Thelma died of heat exhaustion while working in her garden last year. I wonder if I could sue?

Dick Cheney's the reason I lost my job at BP years ago. I'm not really sure of the details, but I know he had something to do with it, him being a big oil man and all.

Dick Cheney caused my first divorce. Something he said while on Reagan's staff sounded good to me. My wife hated Dick Cheney. A year later, we were divorced.

Heck, Cheney's even responsible for my current drama. If I hadn't been watching Fox News in hopes of seeing him, I would have had more time to return psycho chick's phone call. (Except for the whole jail and court thing, this actually turned out for the best, so thanks Dick!)

OW! My hot chocolate just singed my lip. Goddamned Dick Cheney!

Gee. This is fun.