Maybe I'm not OK, but You're Completely Fucked!

After two failed marriages and many relationships that could pass for Twilight Zone episodes, I believe I’ve stumbled upon something that could be of great benefit to mankind. I call it my “Psycho Test.” It goes something like this:

If you’re a female, and:

You call friends/former lovers/acquaintances at 2:13am to discuss your current drama (and there’s ALWAYS drama)

You weigh 98 pounds and think you’re fat

Your ex gave you a concussion and a broken arm for Christmas, but he’s “really not a bad guy”

You believe the Dalai Llama is your soul mate

“Go Away!” is a pig latin phrase you don’t understand

You’re just looking for a “nice guy,” yet every guy you’ve been with wears his pants to his knees, his hat sideways, and calls you his “ho,”

You might have some psychosis going on. To test this, send me an email, and we’ll meet somewhere public. If you find that you’re even remotely attracted to me, get professional help immediately! It’s your life we’re talking about.

If you’re a guy, and want to know if a lady friend might be a potential ax murderer, let’s the three of us do lunch sometime. Drive a car you don’t really care about, preferably hers. Afterwards, ask for her opinion of me. If she uses words like cute, funny, adorable, or even sexy, stop the car. Get out. Run, don’t walk. Even if you’re in a shady part of town, you’re still safer than you would be IN THAT CAR. Change your phone number, and if she knows where you live, you might want to consider moving. I'm talking from experience here.

If you’re a guy and you’re attracted to me, well, I can’t even speculate how messed up you might be. If Charles Manson and I were gay, I’m certain we’d be lovers, as sick as that sounds.