That Crazy Savior

Jesus dropped by the other evening, which is good because I haven’t seen him in a while. I asked him a lot of questions that have come up since our last meeting. His answers surprised me.

AMOD So, Jesus, we haven’t heard much from you since the crucifixion. Where have you been?

JESUS Well, you know, Dad and I needed a break after all the stress of me being crucified and all, so we’ve been doing a lot of fishing and camping. Peter slaughtered us in a poker game last week, even with Dad’s omnipotence. He’s one hell of a poker player.

A What was it like being crucified?

J What do you think it was like? It wasn’t like they used size 8 nails or anything. These were railroad spikes being driven through my hands, man.

A And yet you still managed to forgive them, even while they did these things to you?

J Fuck no! Are you kidding me? I’m still pissed. Yea, I know. I’ve read what’s been written about the whole experience, and it was nothing like that. They got me drunk and asked me if I wanted to get nailed. I thought I was getting laid!

A So you didn’t consent to being crucified?

J What man, do you think I’m looney tunes? Just because I agree to take on all the sins of the world doesn’t mean I’m crazy. Who would agree to such a thing? Let me just give you an idea about how pissed I was. When I was up there, you know, after they NAILED me, I peed on one of the guards. That’s why he stuck me with his spear.

A So, after the crucifixion what actually happened in the tomb?

J Well, like I said, I was really mad. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I mean, yea, there was talk about how the world needed a savior and all, but I really didn’t think they’d DO it. So anyway, there I am in this cave, and I’m tripping. Probably some near-death thing, I’m sure. But I couldn’t really enjoy it because of my anger. You know, they talk about some angel moving that huge boulder? That’s bullshit, man. I moved that thing myself, I was so pissed. You won’t read about the two guards whose asses I kicked soon as I got out.

A Did the disciples believe you were risen? What about Thomas?

J Yea. They were spouting all this miracle stuff. All except Thomas. He didn’t believe it was really me. So I said, “You calling me a liar? Come here and touch the holes in my hand.”

A Did he do it?

J He started to, but when he got close enough I got him in a joint lock and kicked him in the back of his head. “Now do you believe me, Dickhead?!”

A So how did you really ascend to Heaven?

J That’s easy. Judas had recently returned from northern lands. He always brought back some really cool stuff to smoke. Well, after my ordeal, you can imagine how enticing a big fat doobie might be. A huge party happened just outside the city. There were some major stonings that night. I slipped away with some chick from Damascus, and everybody swears they saw me floating up to Heaven. I’m sure that’s not all they saw.

A How did you feel about Judas after he betrayed you?

J Judas? Ah, he was my favorite. He just had a drug problem; needed a little cash. We all know what he did after he sobered up. He was really a fun guy, though. He and I used to get drunk and moon the Romans. We told them it was a Hebrew good luck sign.

A What about Armageddon and the end of the world?

J Well, you see, Armageddon was originally planned as a huge party. A celebration. After the nailing, however, I appeared in John’s dream, and showed him all these terrible apocalyptic events. He, of course recorded all his dreams, and I made sure this one got published. I did this to terrify the human race for crucifying me. That and the Dark Ages.

A What did you have to do with the Dark Ages?

J Everything. Dad saw I wasn’t going to just let this thing go, so he told me I could do whatever I wanted. All I could think of is plagues, pestilence, oppression. Dad didn’t mind, because he knew Satan would get the blame. Just what the human race needed at the time. Teach you guys to fuck with me.

A Would you ever do anything like that again?

J Nah, you guys are doing just fine bringing that on yourselves.

A You mentioned Satan. Where does he fit in to all this?

J Satan is this poor Asian janitor guy from New Jersey. Whenever Dad fucks up, he makes sure Satan gets the blame.

A And Satan doesn’t mind?

J He doesn’t even know about it. He’s Buddhist.

Gotta love that Jesus.