I laugh in disgust when I hear and see the “What Would Jesus Do?” morons trying to answer that question. In truth, they really don’t want to know what Jesus would do, because, ironically, he was a radical. I say ironically, because most of those who claim to follow him are as far from radical as possible. Sadly, it seems many of these are blindly following tradition (which Jesus abhorred) rather than studying the true teachings of their master. Let us, then, try and answer the question, “What Would Jesus Do?”

Problem: I can’t decide which color Porsche would look best in my driveway. The garage is beige, so I’m torn between a dark brown and black.

WWJD?: Buy neither. In fact, Jesus would sell the house and all the belongings, and give the proceeds to the poor. [Mark 10:21] Let your earnings be no more than what is needed to survive. Forsake your family and friends; let your priorities not lie in material possessions [Matthew 6:19], rather focus only on the Kingdom of Heaven. Learn to properly pray and meditate.

Problem: I’m undecided who to vote for. Bush says he’s a christian, but Kerry’s a war hero.

WWJD?: Jesus cared so little about politics and government that he seldom even mentions the subject, except to say that you should pay your taxes. I doubt Jesus would vote.

Problem: My bills are past due. The electric company threatens to cut off my power any day. My refrigerator is bare.

WWJD?: By focusing on what we don‘t have, we continue to create more lack [Mark 4:25]. Instead of worry, Jesus would trust that his needs would be met, and would continue to pursue his spiritual goals [Matthew 6:25].

Problem: A friend of mine practices Reiki. She says she channels divine energy through her body and into another’s body who is sick. She claims people have been healed this way. My pastor says she’s actually doing the devil’s work, because only Jesus and his disciples can work miracles through God.

WWJD?: Jesus taught that good cannot be worked through evil and vice versa [Mark 3:22-23]. Also, that if a person is truly working evil, it would show in all areas of that person‘s life [Luke 6:43-45]. Jesus definitely channeled healing energy. If the goal is to be like him, then one is obligated to learn Reiki, or any of the other numerous methods of healing available. Or you could sit back and condemn those who are making a difference, like the Pharisees did.

Problem: I’m tired of my wife. She’s so boring, and she’s getting fat. Before we got married she used to exercise every day, but now she’s too busy with the kids and work. Meanwhile, one of the hottest babes in the office has been coming on to me. I’m really thinking about it. Surely it would be alright if I divorced my wife first.

WWJD?: Nope. Unless she cheats on you, you‘re bound by your marriage vows, as far as Jesus was concerned [Matthew 19:1-9]. If you make a promise before God, your reason for breaking it had better be a good one. Even if you got married by a justice of the peace, a promise is a promise. Other than the infidelity thing, Jesus doesn’t recognize any loopholes.

Problem: I work for a major retail corporation. My employer donates large amounts of money to the community, then announces their good deed via newspaper articles, even pictures of the check being handed over. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

WWJD?: While Jesus was definitely for giving to those in need, he was clear that this should NOT be made public. He even used his strongest put-down, “hypocrite” to describe those who violated this [Matthew 6:1-4].

Problem: When the minister at my church leads the congregation in prayer, he seems so sincere. Surely there’s a special place in heaven for someone so devout.

WWJD?: Again, Jesus was very clear in that he viewed praying in public an act of hypocrisy [Matthew 6:5-8]. Imagine what Jesus would say about those who pray on television, while taking the social security checks from little old ladies. I can hear him telling Falwell and Robertson, modern day Pharisees that they are, to shove their bibles up their asses.

Now, those of you who know me also know that I’m certainly not a born again christian or a bible thumper. But it really ticks me off when people tell me that Jesus is against this or that, and then can’t back it up with scripture. It tells me that these people have no idea what Jesus even taught. In fact, they’re probably living by some tradition that was handed down to them. Read for yourselves what Jesus had to say about blindly following traditions [Mark 7:5-13].

I don’t denounce any faiths or belief systems. If, however, you claim to be a christian and to live by Jesus’ teachings, you damn well better be able to back up what you say, not just pulling something out of the air, or quoting Grandpa or Rev. Smith.

Or maybe you could invent your own brand of “eclectic” Christianity. Simply take what biblical teachings feel right to you, and leave the rest. Better yet, make up some of your own. That seems to work for quite a few. Just don’t tell me that “Jesus said it,” when he didn’t.