Court

Today I went to court for the first time. Real court, I mean. Not like traffic court, where you stand in line to pay your hundred bucks, never even seeing a judge. I sat in a crowded courtroom, stood in a jam-packed hallway, and still nobody heard my story. I’ve had it all memorized for weeks. I practice it every morning in the bathroom mirror, making sure to maintain eye contact at all times. All for naught, it would seem.

The whole setup here is a perfect model of inefficiency. Hundreds of people crowd into a relatively narrow hallway and wait to speak to a single DA. If you strike a deal with the DA, he sends you back into the courtroom where you wait for the judge to do or say something. You then pay your fines, court costs, etc. (cash, of course) and you’re on your way. The whole process cost me about 4 hours today.

Shifting gears, I’ve come to a startling conclusion: I’m the father of Anna Nicole’s baby. Yes, it’s true, and I’m not gonna deny it any longer. I’m sure the tabloids will be all over me after reading this, but the truth simply must be told, damn it.

Those of you who say I was never even geographically close to Anna Nicole don’t understand the situation. You see, with ethereal impregnation it’s the amalgamation of non-corporeal astral substance which, in and of itself, is relatively inactive, with super-charged ionic distribution via conciliatory interactive channels which serve the purpose of providing a positive polarity to the inert mass. This all takes place regardless of geographical situation. Nine months later a baby pops out. WooHoo!

So, the people handling Ms Smith’s legal stuff can email me and I’ll give you an address to which the check(s) should be mailed.